Dear Diary

Writer's block.
That is the answer to all of your questions regarding the matter why I haven't written anything in a long time.
And now it seems that the only language in which I can write is English...my apologies.
It's weird, though...I haven't written anything in English in a while (I normally write my journal in English, which I haven't done since 2005), so here goes nothing...

So much has happened since April 8th, now it's the end of the month and everything has changed.
Well, not everything, but you get the picture.

Big city, bright lights, my another home.
I heart NY. Just can't deny it.
But this time it was a bit different, I felt like a local, a true New Yorker.
I know the 'hoods' and the people.
Witty conversation with a complete stranger, compliments and flirtatious smiles.
I'm a whole new person.
I even speak differently.
And I like myself.
Screw all the therapists telling me that I'm escaping.
So what.
Maybe I'm being held hostage here, and feel liberated there.
Who knows, but I know that life there would not always be a walk in the park.
But you have to hand it to the Americans they make things a little better...and I prefer a little small talk and b.s.
It eases me and makes me feel safe. And happy.
I had yet again, prior to this trip, forgotten what smiling and being happy feels like.
Nice, I tell you.

That trip was also a good break from everything, and I bought myself some extra time to think things through.
So as I got back home, I was a bit wiser and had things in their rightful perspective.
Work: I needed the extra hours, to pay the bills. And I needed some change.
So now, I have all that.
Studies: I'll pursue anything and do my utmost to achieve the goals that I have set for myself.
Men: "Could one of you lie on top of me, I need to feel the weight of a man on me." Still a bit doubtful whether I'll find one here, but when there is will, there is a way, right?
Friends: I suck at this. I just can't seem to do anything right. Or this is at least what it feels like. I love them to pieces but always end up hurting them too.

Homecoming. OMG.
Culture shock, big time.
Vomiting teens, gloomy Finns on the subway.
Creepy looks if you smile.
Fighting at the work place.
Nasty customers who think you are fucking with them, when you wish them to have a nice weekend.
But I'll adjust.
I have my Starbucks and sunny pictures from the Big Apple.

Bad news.
People mourning, and absolutely no words of consolation.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Loneliness is just too much.

Good news.
People dating and this time there are the butterflies and everything.
Okay, I'm a bit envious but still happy for them.
I will listen to every happy detail and smile.
They deserve it.
Oh, did I mention that these were my male friends...female ones are on a bad streak of luck :(
And the thing is that I don't know if it's good or bad, but I have gotten used to this living alone thing.
And extremely seldom I meet men who make an impression.
So in a way, I have given up. (Except secretly, I still believe that I am going to meet my man abroad, or if I'll meet him here then he has to be foreign...someone could prove me wrong, in fact go ahead, I encourage you to!)


This week is going to be busy.
Exam, May 1st, work, studying, baking, and reconciliation.
I'll be lucky if I have any time to dream.
That keeps me happy and sane.
And I like it that way.

End of update.
Next time Finnish and more wittier writing.
Nothing personal...
wait, that I can't promise 'cause everyting is personal in this blog..
after all, this is the story of a girl, and that girl is me.